“Hold On” – Alabama Shakes

I’m sitting in my cluttered room listening to the likable blues rock band called Alabama Shakes. The featured song is one that my sister Brittany and I enjoy belting in the car, which we just did on our way back from the pet store in Wallingford. We cherished a beautiful half hour with a Weimaraner named Jade.

Jade was a wittle sweepy 😴

So yeah, I put off cleaning up the tornado of a bedroom I’m living out of for another week…and the car that has my summer clothes thrown all over the backseat because they were in a garbage bag that ripped back in October – that’s how lazy I am. I moved out of my house into my parents’, and I’m being resistant.

Song change:

As terrible as it sounds, I don’t want to tie up my loose ends here. I don’t want to say goodbye to people over dinner or a drink or a tight-squeeze of a hug. I’ve learned that I’m really bad at goodbyes, so I’d rather just not do them in the first place. Nobody should take that personally, I just don’t like being sad.

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I still don’t know what perfectly prepared looks like on paper, all I know is that I’m not it. Is anyone ever ready to take on a new adventure? All I feel is the knot in my stomach that’s reacting to the doubt whispering in my ear that’s telling me this could be a huge mistake.

In a sense, I went and fucked up my whole life…not necessarily in a bad way, but I pointed out the biggest pieces of foundation and I ripped them out of the ground. There’s rubble everywhere, and I’m being forced to clean up the literal mess that I’ve created for myself.

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What if somedays I don’t feel like dealing with this massive thing I’ve plopped on my to-do list for an indefinite amount of time? I’ve signed myself up for a struggle I can only tackle when I feel like I have the ability to, which will force me to find strength in unfamiliar places. I can no longer hide from my responsibilities. I can no longer choose to feel small when I have an endless amount of tasks to complete. There’s no more room for feeling sorry for myself.

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I’m someone who draws power from the people I love that love me back. I want to focus on ways to keep connected with those who are fueling me even before I leave, like a Flat Stanley-type idea, for example, where myself and my support network will stay close in our hearts no matter the physical distance between us…and then we can Instagram it, of course.


While wrapping up that last paragraph, somebody rang our doorbell. My dad answered and I heard a familiar voice saying my name…it was my friend Steph‘s dad and he had an envelope in his hands. He handed it to me as he said “Steph is in Hawaii so she isn’t able to say goodbye to you and she wanted me to give you this.” Inside were exactly the words I needed to hear from such a dear friend.

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Steph, if you’re reading this, I want you to know how lucky I am to have you in my life. You and I have been friends since God-knows-when and I know we will continue to be rooting each other on for the rest of our lives. Thank you for considering me even while you’re exploring freakin’ Hawaii…I hope you can come visit and show me around the places you went to while you were in A’dam. I love you ❤️ & hope you have an awesome trip!

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Man, I am feeling thankful.

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Decisions, Decisions

I’ve received yet another offer from work attempting to make me stay, and I’ve got to be honest, it’s a friggin’ tempting one. They want me to do the same things I’ve been doing, somewhere else, and I don’t want what they have to give me anymore. (Someone told me it’s like dating a man – you want him when you can’t have him. Then when he wants you, you’re over it.)

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I’ve already made my decision about what I’m going to do in 2017 and I made it a long time ago. I’m just scared to make it real…to make it known. Well, part of me’s afraid, the other thinks it’s no big deal after the mental and emotional shit I’ve already been through. This is the easy part – I haven’t even left yet!

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Yes, the self-journey has begun, and people say starting something is usually the hardest part, but I’m holding my tongue until I’m actually en route to my destination. I’ll have left my life behind on the ground that I’m staring at out the plane window. But how about we start with quitting my job first.

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I try not to let worry bother me because there’s no point. A little paranoia is healthy, but questioning things that have already been answered so many times in your head is like a sickness. If there were ever a time to get rid of any doubt, now is it.

Like the things I respond to and move on from in life, I must learn to accept my own decisions.

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This here’s the first biggie, and there are thousands – millions, even – to follow. I have to begin depending on my own skill and intuition in this new era. Those things have always been with me, they’ve just never been acted on…never been in control…never dictated any outcomes.

Why do I want to believe that trusting myself will be a mess when every other super successful person in the world became great by doing the same?

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7 Characteristics of A Great Personal Advocate

Journeys are rarely faced alone.

No matter how physically isolated you are, other people are with you in spirit (unless you’ve really cut off all ties and no one knows where you are).

The ones who are with you are the ones who sent you off with a smile, curious about your next move and how you’re going to handle it. They have faith in you and can actually face the reality of your whereabouts – they ask for details about where you are in life and what it’s like rather than refusing to acknowledge that the person they know is gone.

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These are our advocates, and they are the absolute game changer to any dream.

An advocate is someone…

  1. You respect whose eyes widened with joy when you told them you were embarking on an adventure.
  2. Who encourages and assures you regularly because they know you need that little boost from someone.
  3. Who believes you are making the right decision for yourself, regardless of what others say.
  4. Who puts your personal well-being before anything else, in every scenario.
  5. Who has attained a level of success in the same context that you wish to achieve.
  6. Who suggests solutions to potential problems and helps diminish reasons to be afraid.
  7. Who either wishes you well or begins the first leg with you.

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Got any characteristics or names of advocates that you’d like to share? Comment below and shout out a few! Or share this article with an advocate you want to recognize!

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Flip-Flops, Not the Sandal Kind

I guess this is what learning to deal with ambiguity feels like. This is the worst case of flip-flopping that I’ve ever experienced, and I’ll tell you why.

When you commit to a decision you’ve made, it’s a marvelous freedom.

Yes, it is. I’ve decided to live abroad next year, and that’s a no-brainer. Decision = done. No matter what, doubt will not conquer that idea because the roots are already well down into the ground.

But, I have no idea where I’m even going. A lost work opportunity in August, perilous research September thru October…November was for learning how to accept my decision and confiding in those who will actually hold me to leaving the country next year. By December you think I’d have a freakin’ clue as to where all of this work is taking me…

I’m back to offering a little faith in the company I work for. Another meeting with someone in a more powerful position brings the possibility of my career expanding overseas – right after I accepted that loss. Funny how corporations work. That brings me to Glasgow or Antwerp. Otherwise it’s onward to Amsterdam.

Yes, I’m tired of conflicting visions of the future, but I am in no way defeated. I’m taking this as my first life lesson of this entire experience, which is to ride it out. Keep the energy flowing into the universe no matter how much of a beating it’s taken so far. There is always more where that came from. I’m not taking no for an answer, so it’s time for myself to buckle up if my savings is all I’ve got to start with.

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Quotes, or Call It Quits

Everyday is an internal argument – “What are you doing with your life? Do you really think you can succeed on your own? Can you even take care of your minimal needs, let alone create a lifestyle that will make you happier than you are now?”

To silence this battle and inspire my inner strength, I turn to quotes to keep me moving forward. Doubt is powerful, but it’s not impossible to defeat.

Here are some quotes that resonate with me and remind me why I’m doing what I am:

“The big question is whether you are going to be able to say a hearty yes to your adventure.” – Joseph Campbell

“Don’t settle. Don’t finish crappy books. If you don’t like the menu, leave the restaurant. If you’re not on the right path, get off it.” – Chris Brogan

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“He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life.” –Muhammad Ali

“Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.” – Helen Keller

What are some quotes that motivate you? Comment below with the ones you turn to when in need of a little boost.

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My Loop

Welp, I’ve officially ripped off the bandaid that I’ve been hesitant to rip. So with that.. cue Kel and his nostalgic punch line: “aaaaaaaw, here it goes!”

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First post and I have to say, I am rather nervous about taking off this outer shell to unleash my vulnerability onto the world. How do I open up my mind and soul and disclose my inner thoughts to perfect strangers? Subjecting myself to new interpretations of what I’m thinking, experiencing and feeling.

Fuck it, I have a month left here so here goes everything.

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A little over one month. One month until we’re ripped from the roots that have wound our feet so tightly into our small state for the past 24 years. One month left of simplicity, familiarity, casual comforts of family, lovers and friends. One month until our adventure begins where we’ll be engulfed in doubt, mistakes, anxiety, self-searching, the unknown and potentially failure *GULP*

As I write this, I’m watching Dolores in Westworld struggle to break the mold that binds her to her simplistic “loop” of a life.

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I can’t help but feel like Dolores is the perfect, cliche metaphor for myself. Theres been this subtle itch I’ve been attempting to scratch for a long time, yet I’ve been stuck in the same “loop”. Always finding an excuse to prevent myself from altering the straight and narrow path that I’ve been on.

“I don’t have the money”, “I have too much to lose”, and, my personal favorite,“it’s not the right time”. I’ve found that no time is ever the right time. If I keep using that excuse, I’ll never accomplish what it is that I want to accomplish and I’ll never scratch that itch.

This goes farther than just being stuck in the same place surrounded by the same faces and same routines everyday. I had a small glimpse of what I’ve been looking for when I had the ultimate freedom this past summer. Waking up in a new place every day. No responsibilities, no ties. Constantly surrounded by the raw beauty of nature and discovering first hand all the unique stories each state has to share. The road trip cross country was the ultimate release of stresses from “real life”. I yearn for that feeling…and in a little over a month, I’ll inhale deep and feel the soothing release of those stresses once again. Except this time, I’ll get to hop on this crazy roller coaster of life with my best friend by my side *cue Hawaiian roller coaster ride*

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Until then, I’ll remain discontented, while staying on my same loop: wake up, work, go home, fall asleep, dream of what is yet to come…repeat.

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Is this thing on?

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I’m sitting on my couch watching Shameless after a day spent “working” at home (WAH). I put “working” in quotes because I rediscovered Vine after having abandoned it for a year, and let me tell you, people are freakin weird. Watching vines is like watching Snapchats that were uploaded for the world to see – minus the filters and plus more nostril flares.

Here’s a vine of I made of Shan and I. Yep, that’s prom.

So, my day went like that last paragraph, distracted by Vine.

I went to happy hour with a friend last night and came home to find my roommates jumping in their brand-new inflatable hot tub. We cheers-ed with wine to being 23 with too much money.

I’m telling you this because it helps provide a bubble of context around my seemingly selfish dilemma: my world is great on paper, but there’s something deeply unsatisfying about it.

I grew up, went to school, and now work in Connecticut. I followed the directions to achieving the ideal adulthood: “How to Stay in Suburbia – A Step-by-Step Guide To Becoming 40 in Your 20s.”

There’s a problem, though. I can’t do this because it’s not meant to be that simple. I’m not that ignorant, yet I’m ignoring the crazy Tasmanian devil inside that’s seeping out of my mind and into my waking life. I can’t remember the last time I truly felt alive.

So I’m fixing that. The wheels are in motion – it’ll be a long and twisted road. Stay tuned to find out where we go.

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↑ Me moving at actual speed. “vroom! vroom!”

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